Feeling Inept

I’ve had a few different careers in my life. In my first career I was becoming a proficient nurse who could keep patients alive. In my second career I became a teacher. I loved teaching, and it felt as easy to me as breathing. In my life as a parent? Not so much.

I thought that once I became a parent, parenting would become second nature. I didn’t expect to be a perfect parent, but I did hope I would become decent, not suck too badly, and thought my kid would like me at least some of the time.

When I became a parent, it was to a unique little person. Even before we knew about his ADHD diagnosis, our sweet boy was a handful. A gorgeous, blonde, blue-eyed, dimple-in-the-cheek ball of rambunctiousness who never stopped from day break to night fall. We thought he was a “spirited child”, one who is full of energy, but beats to his own drum.

But parenting did not come naturally with my beautiful child. My intuition was often wrong, defaulting to how I had been raised didn’t work almost all of the time, and I felt frustrated in most interactions with him. What was going on? Was parenting really supposed to be so difficult?

Having a child with special needs means you have to learn how your child exists in his world. You must learn how to communicate appropriately (eg. does your child take everything literally?), how to relate (i.e. can your child read your facial expressions or interprets every expression as anger?), and how to speak their language so that they can do what needs to be done in their way, at their speed.

For example, children with ADHD need many reminders to complete tasks of daily life, such that visual reminders are often taped in washrooms so bathroom routines, morning and bedtime routines can be seen and practiced every day. Verbally reminding these children of the steps of bathroom routine, for example, does not work. Plus, if you want to raise an independent child, the visual guides allow them to do the steps without your help.

Every aspect of any child is learned by the parent. As the child grows and learns, so does the parent. Unfortunately, with a child who has ADHD the learning isn’t intuitive and doesn’t flow naturally.

I felt that I wasn’t able to reach or connect with my child. We often got into conflict because I wasn’t communicating with him the way he needed.

So what did I do? I tried to learn everything I could. I read books, more books, and then a couple more. We reached out to professionals, and ADHD coaches and behavioural specialists. I did research, watched “experts” on the internet. I sought out as much information as I could.

How did I feel while I flailed and searched and struggled? I felt incompetent. Truly inept. While in nursing and teaching I eventually reached a point where I felt I excelled in these positions, in parenting I have felt much less capable.

Why? For a few reasons. With a special needs child you have to react effectively the first time you interact with him or her or things are going to go pear shaped very quickly. The wrong tone, saying too much, giving too many directions can all lead a child to dysregulation. You also need to be eternally patient. Every time you react to an impulsive action, every time you lose your temper, every time you sigh or respond to your child with a gesture or sound you risk making them feel badly and can damage their self-esteem moreso than it is already. Yes, of course I can apologize for being impatient, but for most children parental impatience doesn’t irreparably hurt self-esteem or self-image. For a child with ADHD who is corrected or disciplined every 2 minutes, my reactions can do harm.

Living with a child with emotional regulation issues is also very hard. Being yelled at regularly is challenging not to take personally. For example, if I ask my child how he is, he might scream at me. He is probably not angry with me, but rather is feeling irritable or is upset about something else. Rages are regular occurrences. Completely flipping out because he can’t beat a level in a video game can eventually lead to broken objects or holes in walls. You must let much slide off your back when interacting with your child. Grumpy moods, snarky responses, answers that are yelled at you instead of gently uttered. Yes, children and adolescents can often be irritable. But a child with ADHD can be irritable from toddlerhood on, for most of the day, especially at home with parents, their safe space. I was told by a psychiatrist once that I needed a very strong “inner armour” that could protect me from the barrage of insults and negative emotion aimed at me every day.

So how do I live with a generally grumpy child, try to be patient through his rages, feel at a loss when trying to parent him, and feel like a loser when I hear or see other parents enjoying their children?

I’ve read many books and heard talks and worked with therapists who all helped me review how I look at my life. Through them I have learned the art of gratitude. Every day I make a list of 5 things for which I am grateful. My son often appears on my list, because even if life with him is sometimes hard, he has taught me so much about patience and unconditional love. I love him so much even if I don’t like how we treat each other sometimes. And I’m especially grateful for the times he gives me a spontaneous hug, or kiss, or complement, because they are precious. They do not happen often.

I have learned the power of mindfulness. I do a meditation every day, using an app called Headspace. These exercises are not very long, and I can do a new meditation each day, so it keeps the practice fresh.

One parenting book taught me to try to separate myself psychologically from my son’s challenges. I cannot make his life perfect. Sometimes I cannot even talk to him. But I can support him all the time, just by being present, and by trying not to let his bad mood that has nothing to do with me affect me.

My marriage is strong, and I am “good” at being a wife. I am a good daughter, an even better friend. I am kind. I remind myself that I’ve got talents, even if I still feel like a novice at the parenting gig. Maybe one day I’ll get it.