ADHD is a Lonely Word
It’s tough being a kid with ADHD. Impulsivity, difficulty regulating emotions, and hyperactivity all make it challenging to keep friends. I was told by a teacher that while my son was a “nice kid”, he couldn’t keep friends because he was unpredictable; kids didn’t know what to expect from him. Kids would keep a friend who was mean as long as they were predictable. My son, not so much.
Watching my son be lonely has been tough. It’s heartbreaking. He’s lonely because his friends are few; many friends have dumped him over the years because his impulsivity makes him “different” or his emotional dysregulation can make him aggressive or angry. He’s lonely because he feels so unlike everyone else and is constantly told he gets everything wrong. At home he’s lonely because sometimes he feels like we, his parents, don’t “get him” either.
I always expected my son to be lonely because kids wouldn’t accept his differences. Kids can be cruel, but certainly in this day and age parents are trying to teach their kids how to accept others, no?
I first realized my naivete when we started getting dumped by both parents with their children. Being invited repeatedly for play dates, followed by ghosting and silence.
ADHD is also lonely as a family because most people just don’t understand, figure all of our problems must be because we don’t know how to raise our child, or offer advice to try to fix us. Many people with kids like ours don’t even share their challenges because they are afraid of being judged, so they suffer in silence.
Is our son the one people offer to babysit for the weekend? No. Are we told we should be doing things differently? Absolutely. Are we asked any given day if we’ve tried essential oils or a keto diet for our son? Yep. Have we been told that “you knew parenting was hard, right?” Indeed.
We’ve been dumped by “experienced” babysitters who “know ADHD and can handle it.” My son has been verbally abused by a professional ECE. We’ve been called manipulative when we’ve asked others to help support our depressed child. We’ve been told that we aren’t raising our son properly and that’s why he is the way he is. We’ve offended other parents because they’ve actually witnessed the impulsive and emotional regulation issues they’ve only heard about.
I’ve sadly had to watch my son be repeatedly rejected and heartbroken, sometimes by people he has trusted wholeheartedly. One close adult (who told him often that she loved him like a son) recently stopped him from playing with her daughter because he was acting “inappropriately.” She wouldn’t tell me how, but cut him off just like that. He doesn’t get told why he’s dumped, but rather is ignored or is told through me. I’ve been dumped for being an assertive parent (or “an energy vampire”) to the child I’m trying to protect.
How do I cope? I keep my cards close to my chest. I don’t share as much as I used to, at least not with people I haven’t known for a long time. I have a small circle of friends, tried and true friends, and they support me. I don’t share with family just because they are family. I share with people who have shown that they care for my son despite his disabilities and don’t accuse me of anything. I joined a support group with other ADHD parents to feel less alone, and to feel heard and understood.
Because it’s a lonely and sad place living with ADHD.