Parenting is Hard

For most of my life I have looked after children. Other people’s children. I was a babysitter, camp counsellor, pediatric nurse, elementary and secondary school teacher. Children are amazing. I love their energy, curiosity, learning to become themselves while learning about the world and where they fit in. I’ve always gotten along with kids. But I always knew that parenting my own child was going to be a whole different ball game.

Parenting involves raising a child from babyhood to adulthood, supporting and loving them, teaching about love, family, relationships, why dessert is not dinner, why laundry should be done every week, why bathing is never compromised. Ever. Teaching them how to talk, walk, toilet, go to sleep, eat, and everything else that happens in a day.

What makes parenting hard? It never ends. A parent doesn’t have a shift. A parent is a parent every moment of every day without any break, time off, vacation, or weekend. Plus, on top of that a parent must deal with their growing person as well as their moods, character, personality traits, through every music genre phase, hobby and sport, through puberty, best friends, bad friends, worse breakups, lousy decisions, reckless choices, selfishness…

Learning how to parent one’s child is learned on the job. Every day, every encounter teaches us what effectively works, and what really doesn’t. Slowly, by trying every day, the little one learns, falls, gets up, learns some more. And with each attempt, we learn. We take what we think would make sense, mix in a bit of what our parents did to us, and throw in a bit of what feels “right” in the moment. Usually, this combination gets us to where we want to go with our kiddo. At least sometimes.

But what happens if we don’t get anywhere? What if it feels like every thing we try to do goes wrong or makes the situation we’re in worse? What if every interaction feels gruelling, requires so many attempts to achieve what we need to achieve, or ends in dramatic outbursts, yelling (by the kid), crying (from the parents)?

When one parents a child with special needs, it’s as if you suddenly find yourself living in a different country where cultural practices or nuances are slightly different, and the language is brand new (and you don’t speak it!). There is no orientation period, is no manual, and there isn’t any supervisor you can turn to or call for help. You are the expert on your child, right? And yet it feels like you know nothing at all.

The first and probably hardest task is recognizing and admitting that something is different with one’s child. Getting him dressed takes much longer than expected. Interacting with him is more complicated. Dinner at the table is a gong show. Bed time lasts days. Disappointments are dramatic. Every moment feels hard. First we blame ourselves; it must be our parenting that isn’t working. Eventually after berating ourselves for long enough, we start to search for help or answers.

I remember deciding to ask other parents about some of the challenges I was facing with my little boy. I was in a room full of colleagues, each who had children at various ages at home. I began to tell my vignettes, one after another, just small tidbits of what I was struggling with at home. Blank faces stared at me in response. Eventually blank expressions were followed by the shaking of heads and I was told that they didn’t know what to tell me. They didn’t know how to help. The only advice I was given was to get a dog. (Note to self: BEST DECISION EVER!)

I was having a chat with a neighbour, who knew my child had been diagnosed with ADHD, who had two neurotypical children of her own. I was talking about the challenges I was having. She very thoughtfully took a pause, and then said to me, “you know parenting in general is hard, right?”

I had no idea. Thank God she told me.