I Want to Be Your Cheerleader
One of the hardest parts of parenting a child with a diagnosis such as ADHD is being my child’s greatest supporter, or cheerleader. I want to be the one who helps build my son’s confidence, independence, encourage him when he’s down or makes a mistake, comfort him when he’s hurt or upset, accept himself for the amazing person he is, even when he doesn’t feel the same.
This is the job that I take most seriously. In my mind I was going to be the most understanding mother, the coolest mother, the mother who “understood” my kid, and my kid was going to think that I was the best and most patient person alive.
Ha.
My son’s ADHD makes him very impulsive. He does many unexpected things that take me by surprise or annoy me. It takes a lot of patience not to get mad at him for hitting me or making messes when they are done impulsively but feel like they happen every time he’s with me. When I run out of patience, I am the one making him feel bad for being impulsive. Aren’t I the one who’s supposed to be the most tolerant of his behaviours and actions? How do I expect the world to understand my son when I’m the first one he interacts with each day and I’m losing patience before 7:30 am?
“For many people with ADHD, shame arises from the repeated failure to meet expectations from parents, teachers, friends, bosses, and the world.” William Dodson, M.D. “ADHD and the Epidemic of Shame.” Attitude Magazine. August 24, 2022. My son already calls himself names, puts himself down because of how he’s treated and how he feels about himself.
It is believed that people with ADHD are corrected or told to stop or are criticized once every 2 minutes. “It is estimated that those with ADHD receive 20,000 corrective or negative messages by age 10. They view themselves as fundamentally different and flawed. They are not like other people”. William Dodson, M.D. “ADHD and the Epidemic of Shame.” Attitude Magazine. August 24, 2022. One therapist with ADHD told me she felt like “an alien waiting for [her] people to come get [her] from another planet because [she did] not belong here.” Such is life with living with ADHD. Impulsivity and hyperactivity that get attention (not all of it good) and make people annoyed (or rejecting). I have often thought about how hypocritical I can be. I want the world to be kinder and more patient with my son when some days I lack total patience with him myself.
So what do I do about it?
Admit that I am a hypocrite and accept it with a grain of salt. ADHD is not easy to live with for those who live with it, as well as for those who live with those that have it.
Practice acceptance through meditation or mindfulness. Reflect on the love I have for my son and all of his amazing qualities.
Practice patience. With every interaction (or as many I can remember) count “3 Mississaugas”. Give his impulsivity some space. Give myself some time to not react to his impulsivity impulsively, without giving myself time to think about what has just happened.
Keep an anchor memory in mind. I picture my boy as the beautiful innocent creature he was at age 2. I seemed to have more patience with him when he was so small, so recalling him as such helps to calm me down in the moment.